Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth/Liars prosper*

The truth: we say we want it, but we hate it when it's there. The truth hurts, you know. People who are brutally honest are also, well, brutal. Honesty is supposed to be the best policy. But no one wants to be friends with a liar. So what makes a good friend? A policy of appeasement or a friend who can and does tell you the truth?

Look, I've been on both sides of both sides of this -- I've been mad when someone told me a truth I wasn't ready to hear. I've also been grateful to those who told me the truth. I’ve been the truth-teller, and also the appeaser. But let’s face it, both are dangerous positions to take. Europe’s policy of appeasement really didn’t work with Hitler; and being honest didn’t work so well for Galileo and Darwin and, depending on your world view, Jesus.

Maybe we should rewrite the platitudes about truth above.

I've been both a bringer of Truth and a teller of the lies people want to hear, too. But lately, I grow tired of being wishy-washy, which is what it all boils down to when you take my amazing capacity to be a human band-aid and mix it in with my tendency to be a people-pleaser and my ability to read individuals and situations fast and quickly. My childhood was rough, but at least I learned to be a human gauge.

But events of the past week have taught me that my policy of being pleasing and trying to be what a person needs at the moment that they need it is exhausting and stressful for me, and really not the best way to keep relationships going. It’s also probably not me being a good friend, since sycophants are rarely respected people of integrity.

This all came to a head last night, when I was talking to my friend, whom I'll call Jane. She's been having some problems with her baby-daddy, whom I'll call Dick. Dick Head.

Dick's been a real jerk for a while, but lately has threatened to (a) abdicate all parental rights, (b) sue for sole custody, and (c) kill himself.

I thought about it, and then I decided to tell her the truth, as I saw it: (a) this man is unstable and quite possibly has a personality disorder, (b) he's not good for her or the baby, and (c) she is enabling his behavior by allowing him to emotionally batter and manipulate her.

For the most part, she deflected and tried to excuse his behavior. When she ran out of excuses, she yelled at me for not understanding, because I'm "rich.**"

During the course of our conversation, Jane expressed anger and resentment at Dick, at me, and at her other friends, who give her conflicting advice (like she should marry him.) I feel for my friend. But I wonder if I'm good for her, or she for me. I feel like I'm often there to listen, or to rescue, or both -- and I'm growing uncomfortable in that role.

So, back to friendships in general. What makes a good friend? I started a list, but it ends up reading like a list of things that make a good marriage, which in the end makes a ton of sense. Except that most good marriages start with some discussions about these things, and then you take a vow to love and honor (respect) and cherish (appreciate) each other, so it’s formal. Maybe we ought to have friendship ceremonies.

To Be a Friend, You Must First Be One***
1. Good friends respect each other, intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
2. Good friends, for the most part, offer support for each other in crisis or hard times.
3. Good friends make it possible to enjoy time with them.
4. Good friends tell you the truth, whether it is that you have spinach in your teeth or are wearing the wrong color lipstick or have managed to entangle you in a relationship with a toxic human being.
5. Good friends accept the counsel of the friends they have chosen, and if they disagree, can calmly discuss the situation, because they understand that the advice comes from a place of great love.
6. Good friends understand that emotional crises may dictate that number 5 be temporarily suspended due to extreme duress.

Honesty seems to be the most important underlying concept here.

It’s also the hardest. It’s easy to love someone, but hard to be honest about the relationship, especially to yourself. But as marriages take hard work, so do friendships. Because in order for me to have a friend, I have to be one, right? So I’ve got to be the sort of pal I would want – a person with integrity and wisdom who will tell the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Truth that hurts more deeply than a manipulative and evil-intentioned lie. Brutal enough to make you bleed. Honesty, after all, is the best policy, although it is also the hardest and more painful.

So, folks, be prepared. I’m going to have to tell you the truth from here on out.

And, Jane? Dick is bad for you. Very, very bad. Take Spot and run.

*These are quotes from the frontispiece of a Stephen King novel. I can't remember who originally wrote them, nor can I remember what King novel. I may remember to look it up later. I may forget. Either way, I am trying to give credit where it's due.
**Gentle readers, I can assure you that I am not rich. I am a woman who graduated with a degree in English who is married to a man with a degree in English. You do the math.

***My mom embroidered this on a pillow for me when I was a kid. I’ve always tried to be the friend I wanted to have.